Bitter Fruit of Feeling

In the depths of feeling, a lifetime’s quest,
Escaping from emotion’s relentless test.
Self-destruction, self-sabotage, I’ve known,
Lost in the darkness, where pain has grown.

Though young in years, I feel as if in winter’s chill,
Summer of life, yet winter’s shadow still.
Freedom found in understanding why I flee,
Yet pain, the companion that won’t let me be.

External happenings, mere fleeting blurs,
It’s my own actions, my own self that stirs.
Friends may leave, family drifts away,
But I remain, with memories that sway.

Blind to love’s acts, I sought in vain,
In darkness and solitude, I remained.
One could have brought light, if I had seen,
But blind I was, to love’s serene.

Buried within, the pain resides,
Numbing my senses, as time abides.
No solace in food, nor in the digital glow,
Just the wound and me, in this endless woe.

Working day by day, self-flame burning bright,
Discipline and effort, to wash away the blight.
Yet the wound, it drives me to despair,
Echoes of memories, fill the air.

Logic fails me, reason falls short,
The memory remains, a haunting retort.
Fear grips me, as I face the truth,
Yet I know, I must return, forsooth.

Human, I am, and pain I bear,
But cleansing the mind, I must dare.
Searching for the one I let slip away,
Terrified of what I might find, I stay.

A month has passed, yet little changed,
Still, I work, my life rearranged.
Struggling to succeed, with no experience to guide,
Controlled by fear, faith now my tide.

Blindness led me here, guided by faith’s decree,
So faith shall guide me to what I’ll be.
Burning again, sooner than I’d dare,
But seizing the moment, the person, I’ll dare.

To grow from the pain, to become anew,
No longer Nil, but something true.